


Like it should be.

by Slytheringirl093



Category: Emma Stone - Fandom, La La Land (2016), Real Person Fiction, ryan gosling - Fandom
Genre: Birthday, Emma centric, F/M, Married Couple, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Regret, Sad, Video Message, english not my first language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-02-01 08:49:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12701481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slytheringirl093/pseuds/Slytheringirl093
Summary: Maybe one day I’ll stop loving you.Like it should be.





	Like it should be.

_Start recording_.  
  
_3...2...1. Go._  
  
Hey , Ry! It’s me, Em. I hope you’re doing fine and all… I’m recording a video to commemorate the magical and phenomenal event of your birth which, as you know, I’m really a fan of.   
  
This is stupid.  
  
But you know what, who cares? I mean… you know me right? I do stupid things from time to time and as much as I try to be reasonable and smarter, all this… ehm… well, all this is still here, I mean, I can’t change right away and…  
  
Well, Happy birthday! I’m just rambling words while you are growing old and we both know if I keep going you’re going to receive this video when you’re 80 or something.  I hope you’re celebrating with the people you love, with your family, your kids and your lovely… lovely wife, Eva.  Say hi to them for me, will you? I have the feeling that you’ll be watching this alone, for some reason… so just say hi to them, too.  
  
…  
  
I … I just wanted to tell you that ... I am really glad, so glad, that I have you in my life. I cannot imagine a life without you in it, I really can’t and… I’m so incredibly grateful that you’re _you_ , because you brought so much happiness in my existence and you still do, every time I speak to you over the phone, and each time I see you and … every single time you smile at me and tell me that it’s going to be okay, I just believe it, like it’s real and I stop worry...  
  
…  
  
Maybe it’s because you are something else. You are different, you’re special. And I am … happy and happy for you and I wish you everything you want and desire of your life. I wish you everything there is to wish for, happiness and love… so much love, Ry. ‘Cause you deserve it, you know? You really do. And I can’t be the… I just can’t…be the one to...  
  
…  
  
I’m sorry. I … I thought I could do this. But I can’t.  
  
…  
  
You know what else you deserve? The truth.  
  
I don’t want to lie to you anymore.  
  
So here it goes.  
  
I’m in love with you, Ry. I’m hopelessly in love with you and I’ve been for a long time now. And I’m so sorry for telling you this way, but I just couldn’t keep it in anymore. I just couldn’t say that I wish for you to have all the love in the world without telling you that right here there’s someone who loves you more that she’s ever wanted to admit.  
  
I guess you are speechless right now, aren’t you? … I know. I’m full of surprises, aren’t I? And on your birthday, cherry on top, right? Yeah… I’ll admit it. I have a really good timing. But you know, what? It’s not entirely my fault.  
  
I thought of telling you once. I almost did.  
  
We were practicing the dance, the one with the song on the Hill, remember? And we stayed late because there was that particular set of steps that we just couldn’t get right. So we stayed late, we practiced ‘till midnight and then we went back to your room, ordered Chinese and red wine… and I remember I felt so dizzy, obviously, but also... so good … It felt so good Ry, to just be with you, laughing and drinking and talking about everything. And suddenly you were looking at me like… like you were looking for something, something you couldn’t grasp… and I swear, in that moment I thought, _he knows_.  For a moment I saw something… more, something more to _talk about_.  
  
I was going to tell you, Ry. I was. I took a deep breath and I started rambling some words and… and then something happened.  
  
Your wife called you. Your phone rang and you… God, you wouldn’t even answer because you knew that I was about to tell you something serious for once but I … I just … I insisted. I let you have that call. And that was the end of it, wasn’t it?  
  
I’ll never forget the expression you had when the phone call ended.  
  
She told you she was pregnant.  She told you she was having another baby, your baby and  that you were, feeling guilty about … _something that never even happened_. And I felt miserable, and guilty, but most all I felt so selfish. I was about to tell you how I felt and you had a family, you had a lovely wife and a wonderful, beautiful daughter at home and I was about to ruin all that…  
  
I congratulated you, remember?  And you had _that look_ in your eyes, the one where guilt meets regret, that one. But I _smiled_ for you. I kissed your cheek, I said goodnight and I went back to my room, hiding the tears that were ready to fall from my eyes.  
  
We never spoke of that night again, and… I’m glad we didn’t.  We kept our lives the way they were, _the way they are_.  But I’ll be lying if I told you that I never thought of that night since then.  I did it. I did it so many times...  
  
In the end I think… it was better that way. Everything worked out like it was supposed to, right?  
  
We never got a chance to… well, you know. But we were never supposed to. You had a family, and I had… ehm … recently took a break from Andrew, a break that turned out was a break-up. Because I could have lied to you but, not to him. _Never to him._   
  
…  
  
But… I like to think that we had our story, in some way. _Mia and Sebastian_. We were them, they were us. Through them we had the best love-story, made of dreams and dance moves and songs. They were us. I loved Seb and you loved Mia, I know that in my heart. And at some point I thought that was enough for me. To know that we loved each other through them.    
  
But I’ve come to realize, it wasn’t.  
  
I’m stuck in this, in this love that I have for you. I tried to let it go, to forget… but I can’t. And I know that is wrong, so wrong and … awful because you love your wife so much and your kids, they’re great and they deserve nothing but a happy family, and you have it, you have it already and I’m happy for you… and I know you’re trying to make sense of what I’m saying and you can’t ‘cause I keep twisting my own words, but that  just the way it is. So I’m going to make a quick summary for you.  
  
…  
  
I love you, Ry. I love you with all my heart and I’ve been in love with you for a long time now. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before but there was never a right time, for both of us. I’m also sorry for telling you like this, on your birthday, with a video and not even in person. But I want you to know that I do not want anything from you, I mean, my intention was never to emotionally destroy your family or… anything like that. I love your family, I do and I could not hurt them, ever.  
  
The only reason I told you is because I needed you to know.  
  
I needed you to know the truth.  
  
…  
  
… and I just realized that you do not need to listen to this on your birthday, do you? It’s not fair. It’s selfish, again. I am just realizing that.  
  
When I started this video I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, maybe sing you the song and telling you that you’re growing old and stuff, you know? Just regular things.  
  
I cannot send you this.  
  
So I’m sorry again. Because I could not bring myself to do it, not even this time.  But it’s for your own good, it’s for you and your beautiful family.  
  
It’s _my present_ for you.  
  
I’ll keep this to myself for another while, just to be sure… Maybe it’ll go away, maybe I haven’t waited that long. Maybe in a year or two I’ll be married and pregnant and I’ll happily share that news with you, one of the most important people of my life.  And we will smile and hug and … be happy for each other. Like it should be.  
  
_That's why I… I think I’ll hold on to these complicated feelings for a bit longer.  
  
…  
  
Maybe one day I’ll even have the courage to ask you if you ever thought of me _that way_. If you ever thought of _us_ , like… _us_. If that night, if that look… if… I don’t know.  
  
I thought I saw it, I thought … you did. But maybe I was too in love to be objective about it.  
  
Maybe one day I’ll ask you. Maybe one day we’ll laugh about it.  
  
Maybe one day I’ll stop loving you.  
  
Like it should be.  
  
  
_Stop recording_.  
  
_Delete._  
  
_New message_.  
  
Happy birthday Ry!  
Hope you’re celebratin’ like the hoser you are.  
Say hi to Eva and the kids for me.  
I miss you. Let’s meet soon, okay?  
Love, Em.  
  
   
_Send_. 

**Author's Note:**

> (English is not my first language so if i made mistakes please be understanding and, of course, feel free to tell me so that i can correct 'em. I didn't even read it twice, I just had to post it! )
> 
> I'm trash, I know. 
> 
> So today it's Mr. Gosling birthday and this is just some random sad thought I had about this two. I watched La La Land for the... i don't know, 100th time last night and the feelings just kept coming and i just had to write this.  
> Hope you like it, as sad as it is.  
> Those two are going to kill me one day, I know. I just want them to be together... or keep making movies together 'till the end of the time, one of the two. 
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read this.


End file.
